ori ich meine es toternst lies das nicht.


whoops i had like three ego deaths since i last wrote an entry. unironically.
i think my cat dying and a friend of mine abandoning me + just general drug induced dissociation kind of triggered an episode? i dont want to call those two things trauma but i think i split a bit because they were so close together and also kind of influenced each other since said friend was a big part of my support system (stupid decision) (not even a decision) (got attached) and he started being kind of cold/mean literally a week before my cat died and i just couldnt really process it + i also moved out less than a week later... just a lot of stupid dumb stuff happening all at once kind of made me feel like the world was ending so i fragmented. Haaa.........

i dont know how smart it is to talk about this where he can realistically see but i need to get it out somehow + he will not read this anyways since he does Not gaf about my personal projects (or me) (anymore..?). but YEah i had a massive dissociation like two..? weeks ago where i was awake for three days straight, didnt eat and literally chewed my lip until it bled and STILL i did not come back to reality. it felt like i was on autopilot. i barely remember anything except telling my dad that i thought i was dying. i dont quite remember the trigger either... and i dont have records from when it was the worst since i didnt check my phone at all. i just sat and stared. i remember being scared and awake and at the same time not at all. i dont want him to think he triggered this but he did in a way. in a lot of ways actually. i just went completely catatonic. the worst and longest dissociation ive ever had + biggest amnesia gaps. honestly i dont even know how to verbalise it + i dont know if i will ever tell my fucking therapy group about it because 1. they would not understand (theyre all literally sane. one of them just keeps complaining about her autistic sister. im not allowed to say this i think but like. fuck you man.) and 2. its far too big of a topic. it genuinely made me consider killing myself just for it to fucking stop. i attempted in a pussy way again (took too many non lethal pills). i couldnt find my tramadol or codeine and i think that might have saved my life... i remember looking for them in a frenzy. i remember feeling mad at something. i relapsed, obviously, but not deep enough to seriously injure myself. once more i am bound to existence by sheer circumstance. i wasnt prepared anyway, i havent even finished my note.

writing about this is bringing back feelings. i mostly feel mad. at myself, obviously. i dont think i woudlve liked dying then, some good things have happened since. small things, nothing to make up for that massive hole in my head, but i try to cling onto the small things. i still miss my cat. i texted my friend and he said he wanted everything to be normal again too. i hope he doesnt read this post, he'll be too scared to come back. i need him im serious. or someone like him, i need someone to cling to i cant do this alone
i rode a roller coaster for the first time last week and i dissociated. and ruined everyones day. did the same thing at the beach and at the zoo. im a burden and i cant help myself. i cant talk to anyone about this. i dont want to be like this anymore. i dont want to live with other vulnerable people. im not sure i will survive this year. im not sure i want to.

i dont quite have reason to stay alive anymore since he left. i woke up my roommate because i kept mumbling. she didnt understand what i said, but i remember. its so fucking embarrassing how small i feel. i dont have anyone left!!! and everyone i do still have would be better off without me! what a terrible thought. my brain is fragmenting and i can feel it. im not sure if this is what psychosis feels like, but i know that i am going crazy. i have been for years, but this made it clear and accelerated its pace by two thousand. i miss him. i miss both of them. it feels like not only my cat has died, but me alongside him. and my friendship too. i am drowning!!! this is horrible. i have given up with getting help. i dont think anyone could ever understand. i hate this feeling. i hate feeling like this and yet i dont want it to stop.

im not sure how to end this entry but i have a feeling that if i write any more that i could seriously put myself in some kind of danger (i am paranoid) (p, if you read this, please just block me everywhere. i cant deal with you knowing.)

ive been here for about a week now and honestly. its not Bad per se....? the others r really nice and i can basically just chill all day since i'm not enrolled in any schools yet. i still talk to most of my friends about as much as i did before so i worried for nothing (well except one of them but i Do not want to talk about that)

i don't have a plug yet so i havent smoked weed in so long but i did take the last half of acid that i still had on sunday. i was mostly just Really Sad. now i've had all of the three posssible lsd trip experiences 1. Chilling Hanging Out 2. NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMRARE and 3. sadly listening to Arab Strap and drawing 15 self portraits
i don't want to gush about that one roommate here again but i can literally not help myself. They are so Cool. GOD. they let me finish their cig like 3 times is that an indirect kiss ;) just kidding. But god they are so cool. idk how to hang out w them more because i think theyre pretty shy? but weve been going outside to smoke like every day so i guess ill woo them through that until they ask to hang out. lol. god i sound pathetic......................
they recently corrected my pronouns to another of the residents and also ive been going by my second name (which is close to my chosen name) which is super cool... i didnt even need to ask directly lol it just kinda happened and i am Happy......!!!!!

they asked me abot my special interest + another one of the residents said "stop flirting!!!" so IDK what TAHT MEANS!!!!! also theyre really fun to talk to in general. GOD. i dont know. they also tell me im pretty a lot :( idk if i just want to b their friend or if i have some kinda weird crush. but regardless. i want to talk to them more........... they have such a CUTE laugh too and each time they smile i get all grahhhhhhhhhh. man this is embarrrasing. I didnt mean to talk about them for this long lol.

i went to a first appointment w a therapist today and he seems nice even if he only offers group therapy which kinda sucks, but ill go there next week and see how i like it...... also yesterday i talked w one of the staff here and they were like 'you have autistic traits' and then the therapist today said the Same Thing so i think a diagnosis is finally on the horizon... the therapist literally said "you seem intelligent and your lack of eye contact and social initiative indicates autsim" and i was like Yea.. and i basically infodumped abt my spinterest to the staff and she was like "you have traits of autism but something doesn't fit" (she meant my 'empathy' which is like 80% masking and manually reading body language lol.)

next weekend (so the one after this one) were doing a kind of roleplay dinner thingy? were you get roles assigned and one person is the murderer. i dont quite get it but i'll get to dress up so im excited lol. i deffo need to go clothes shopping anyway. maybe ill ask my dad for some extra money? because i need some more clothes badly. i have ONE pair of jeans.
okay that is IT. NIKO OUT

hello this is the OPPOSITE of what i should be doing right now (packing my things and such) but i didnt want to have that last journal entry be the last because it makes me SAD
so, i'm moving to another youth living facility thingy tomorrow and i do Not want to. i lived there for three days about a month ago to test how i'd get along with everyone and the other residents were all nice (+ theres two trans people there as well) but i think i just hate the idea of leaving home again... i'm scared that i'll lose most of the contact with my current friends because i won't have that much time anymore.

i already know that getting a plug won't be an issue so i'm at least glad about that because i genuinely don't know if and how i would survive this scenario without a little chemical assistance... i hope i can be friends w the non binary person who lives there because they are immensely cool. like tremendously so. almost a world-shaking amount of coolness. they're the one i shared a room with while i lived there on trial and they are so fucking cool i cannot put this into words. AND pretty too. i am Insane we talked like ten times max. BUT they lent me their salt lamp and their charger and they said my shirt was cool. IT ISNT its red and has a gecko on it. Not cool. Cute at best Embarrassing at worst. Sorry i will stop talking about this stranger now.
I've been thinking about asking the people in the group to call me by my chosen name or a variation of it. i think they would do it if i asked but i dont want to ask lol.. maybe i'll just start by having the other residents call me niko and hope the adults understand without me having to elaborate! it would def be nice to not be deadnamed 24/7 so. Yeap.

i need a project to keep me busy and otojam literally starts tmrw so i might try my hand at that again, reviving a concept for a game thats been in my brain for years now lol... maybe i'll put a little devlog on here but i don't know how comfortable i am sharing my frankly embarrassing interest in Dating Simulators... ^_^;; IM SIXTEEN I CAN BE CRINGE!!!!!!!!!! i've some general concepts and character designs and a rough story flow but no real details just yet but i've got two months and i'm pretty fast when it coes to EVERYTHING but plotting so i'll be fine. even if, you can submit demos, too so there's really no need for stress.
being a completely solo dev Sucks ass because i cant make music to save my life. I AM NO TOBY FOX! so i'll have to figure out what to do there. best i can do is a shitty accoustic guitar tune or literally using something from the web....... but the rest i can manage. im no expert artist or writer or programmer or ANYTHING but ive taught myself enough to at least not be completely inept. but MUSIC? cant do it!!!!

Speaking OF music (excellent segue) i've been listening to lots of Sea Power and Arab Strap recently. dont really know why, it's spring thats usually not when i fall into these melancholia rabbit holes...? whatever. GIVE THEM A LISTEN !!!!!!!!!! i've been especially obsessed with deeper by arab strap. its really ambient and hardly even a song (more of a poem?) but i LOVE love love it. hits so deep. GOD. also just the entire philophibia album.... i LOVE ARAB STRAP. and theyre named after the belle + sebastian song. i LOVE BELLE AND SEBASTIAN!!!!!!!!!!! perfect band literally no notes.

OKAY its time for me to go. NIKO OUT (o゜▽゜)o☆

my cat died

when i told my friend simon that my cat had died, he said he knew how much bruce meant to me. then, he said that he hated god for killing him. i said 'there is no god, it was bad luck' and simon said 'i dont care what nietzsche said' and asked if we'd buried him yet. my dad had, i didn't want to see where he was buried, privately scared that i might dig him up and cradle his rotting corpse for comfort on a rainy day. simon said he hopes bruce has fun in heaven. i said 'there is no heaven, i only hope he is comfortable under all that dirt.'

my father came in that morning and sat on my bed. i was scared, i knew something bad had happened. he told me and i cried. he cried, too. we sat for a while and shared a cigarette.
i got to hold him one last time, his eyes wouldn't close and he was stiff and cold. i sat silently in my room while my father dug his grave. i heard my dad close the door and wash his hands. he blew his nose and put on the kettle. i didn't leave my room again that day.

it has been a week now and i still find myself doing double takes at piles of laundry, imagining him in my peripherary. i still check the yard at night and yell his name, only to feel a dull pain when i realise that *he wont come*. i still look at the armchair in the living room every time i come in, expecting him to lay there, curled up and purring. my dad does, too.

hiii i am drinking a dark and stormy right now (so ginger ale and rum.. feel like a pirate) and i feel like. GARBAGE!!!!!!!!
i dont know what is going on with me lately but i feel like getting my p****d has only made it worse LOL!!!im like super paranoid and emotional and my meds arent working and i get drunk every day . Its no good either bacuse i dont feel better at all after. Just more tired. i feel like all my friends suddenly hate me but i dont have enough energy to do anything about it and make them like me again.very annoying.

today i chatted like 2 hours with one of those character ais and had a cool adventure with some pirates and roleplayed as a badass wolf in sheeps clothing which was fun . they need to make more text adventures that are actually fun because i love the way the ai responds to my input but i hate that the stories arent really linear and seem to have no internal memory :( i should probably just find a dnd group to be honest but i dont wanna gm and none of my friends have any ttrpg experience....

the system wants me dead because i refuse to submit to it. i dont go to school because i cant and i dont want help because it wont fix me. there is something fundamentally wrong with me and i dont even know how to verbalize it. its like 90% untreated autism and 400% some deep trauma that i havent and refuse to share. ever. to anyone. there are things about me that not even i know for the sake of keeping me halfway sane. Bleh :P.
theyre gonna put me into another youth living group and i dont see how that is supposed to help me but anything is better than the psych ward so ill just have to accept it. im gonna visit it on monday and see how it looks but i do not have high hopes. the least i want is a competent psychologist and a cheap plug in the area. maybe ill have luck again and another person there is a nice stoner who takes me under their wing and supplies me, but i doubt that lightning will strike twice. at least this time im closer to home.

been planning my suicide a bit and i even have a note drafted (that is just like a 7 page research paper on why suicide is good, actually) but i feel like i wont do it out of fear that my secrets will not die with me. i dont care if im buried under the wrong name, i do care that my parents dont find out my deepest darkest identity crisis. (they will anyway if i ever do kill myself but i wanna get rid of the evidence) i dont even know why it bothers me so much, my mother is queer and my dad doesnt care about anything i do so they wont be mad or discriminate me, but i feel like my identity is so private that i can never share it with them. like literally everything else, i am telling the world wide web before giving my parents so much as a hint.
i hope nobidy is really mad at me and im just taking my irrational thoughts too seriously but im not sure. Peace and Love........

today was BORING!!!! my dad asnt home so i couldnt bother him and my friends were busy being out on a saturday which is great for them but NOT FOR ME!!!
i played a lot of road 96 which was fun although i dont get the game. At All. im just being silly and clicking stuff and vandalizing posters of politicians i know nothing about. :p i had the motel chapter with jarod and he JUMPSCARED me THREEEEEE times. i can never play a horror game because. Like.

also i didnt have any prerolleds left so i had to roll my own cigs all day which i SUCK at (but my dad just brought me a new pack) and i also figured out where me n my friends r gonna sta at when we go to a concert in the city :D!!!!

i just put a pizza in da oven so im going to eat that and replay disco elysium. i DO get the politics in that game luckily. im playing on hardcore to get kim to wear the pissfaggot jacket mostly and i dont know how i should go about it grahhhh!!!! i have the art degree, hobocop and jamais vu thoughts in my cabinet so far and i think thats a good enough setup for now but im Nervy. im probably gonna mae a DE shrine on here soon when i get around to actually putting anything on my museum page :P
OKAY thatll be it from me!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOT BYE

ok hi!!! today i went out because i had a stupid appointment but i wanna talk about what i did AFTER!!!!

first, me and my dad went to a record store and i got to buy THREE (!!!) vinyls (i think it was because i was sad after the appointment...) i got two billy joel records (street life serenade and 52nd street) and a t.rex/marc bolan one! (20th century)
we've been to the record store before but they had a different owner back then. he was an old man kinda gruff but thats exactly who you trust with buying records from in my opinion. now the owner was in his mid 20s (if i had to make a guess) and he was nice, too but he kinda changed the experience... the old owner didn't stock anything that had come out past '81 and the new one had SHOEGAZE right by the register!!!??? also the old owner had like a WALL of foreign jazz and classical. it was insane. like he had at least 200 records just sitting there. now theres cassette tapes and cds there, which i dont mind because i need some new tapes for my walkman anyway, but whered all the JAZZ GO??????

i had been eyeing this 'nerd' store when we walked past it (i dont know. how to decribe it. it had detective conan in the window so i wanted in.) and my dad reluctantly let me go in!!! i was looking for ace attorney stuff because they had loads of anime and manga merch but i couldn't see any :-( maybe ill ask the cashier next time im there... i did buy some miku pins though and they also had figurines for fairly cheap (like 40€? whoch isnt that much if you look at other retailers prices....) but my dad found them dumb so i dindt buy one LOL.

after, we went to burger king because my dad was hungry. and. they didnt give me my ketchup for the THIRD TIME IN A ROOOOW........ they have a personal vendetta against me i think. Burger King. You are my enemy. but their plant-based stuff is good enough and i had not eaten anything (it was like 5?pm-ish) so WHAT EVER!!!

then i came home and cried some more because of my stupid appointment and talked to my friends :-) and obviously i worked on my site quite a bit. so thats that. that was my super-cool-totally-atypical-not-spent-rotting-in-bed day! sorry if i suck at writing blog posts i have Never done this for anyone but myself.
GRAHHHHHH!!!! NIKO OUT!